When will it take over me

I haven't blogged on here for awhile, but I feel like it's time to return. I need relaxation. I got it this last weekend when I got to go home for awhile and see my family. I hadn't seen them since Christmas. It was really good to see them and just to chill out for awhile and not do a thing. I've wanted for awhile just to relax and not worry about anything and I finally got that.

The good news, I got my computer fixed. My book is stored on my laptop and it kept giving me the blue screen of death and a friend of mine fixed in and now I'm excited that I'll be able to (when I want to) work on it when I feel like it.

Lately I've been feeling really creative and haven't been able to add to it. While I was home I was working on it a little. I was changing things and adding new things. It felt really nice to just free flow on my computer and add and delete things.

I find a lot of peace in writing. I wanna feel that way for awhile. I want to feel that way forever. Can I just let the creative juices flow? I want to be able to just relax and let the words flow from my brain through my finger-tips. I'm ready for a change. I'm ready for it now. I realized while I was home with my family that I need to make a move. If I don't do it soon I won't do it ever.

I want to live in a cabin in the mountains. I want to write and be able to publish without fear. Is it so hard to ask for something like that? I'm ready to put myself out there. I'm ready for vulnerability I'm ready for anything and everything. I'm simply...just ready.

Huh?

Why is when you think you've got it, you lose it again? I don't get that. I know life is difficult and always changing, but I thought that I was getting a grip on things. Every time I turn around again, I find that something else is breaking me down further and further. I must have a renewed breaking point because it never seems to fully consume me. All I want to do is lay around and not do anything. I don't want to work, I have to force myself to get to the gym. I just want to do nothing. Sit in front of the TV and do nothing. I want to get lost in other's stories and pretend for a second that I'm not in this life.

I know, I should feel privileged for what I have. I am grateful everyday that I have what I have, but is it really selfish to want more? I don't want the world, just a little piece of something. A little piece of happiness that I can lock away and take out when the world seems too blue to deal with any longer. I could pull out that jar and unscrew the top and just bask in the glow of it's contents.

It's so confusing. Everything so confusing. My life feels like a continuous night. Even if the sun appears in the sky outside I cannot see it. I only see the moon. I'm starting to feel like that's all I want to see. Can I just sleep until things get better? Then I can awake and start all over again and hopefully I will figure out where it went wrong and then prevent that from happening again.