Why is when you think you've got it, you lose it again? I don't get that. I know life is difficult and always changing, but I thought that I was getting a grip on things. Every time I turn around again, I find that something else is breaking me down further and further. I must have a renewed breaking point because it never seems to fully consume me. All I want to do is lay around and not do anything. I don't want to work, I have to force myself to get to the gym. I just want to do nothing. Sit in front of the TV and do nothing. I want to get lost in other's stories and pretend for a second that I'm not in this life.
I know, I should feel privileged for what I have. I am grateful everyday that I have what I have, but is it really selfish to want more? I don't want the world, just a little piece of something. A little piece of happiness that I can lock away and take out when the world seems too blue to deal with any longer. I could pull out that jar and unscrew the top and just bask in the glow of it's contents.
It's so confusing. Everything so confusing. My life feels like a continuous night. Even if the sun appears in the sky outside I cannot see it. I only see the moon. I'm starting to feel like that's all I want to see. Can I just sleep until things get better? Then I can awake and start all over again and hopefully I will figure out where it went wrong and then prevent that from happening again.
