When will it take over me

I haven't blogged on here for awhile, but I feel like it's time to return. I need relaxation. I got it this last weekend when I got to go home for awhile and see my family. I hadn't seen them since Christmas. It was really good to see them and just to chill out for awhile and not do a thing. I've wanted for awhile just to relax and not worry about anything and I finally got that.

The good news, I got my computer fixed. My book is stored on my laptop and it kept giving me the blue screen of death and a friend of mine fixed in and now I'm excited that I'll be able to (when I want to) work on it when I feel like it.

Lately I've been feeling really creative and haven't been able to add to it. While I was home I was working on it a little. I was changing things and adding new things. It felt really nice to just free flow on my computer and add and delete things.

I find a lot of peace in writing. I wanna feel that way for awhile. I want to feel that way forever. Can I just let the creative juices flow? I want to be able to just relax and let the words flow from my brain through my finger-tips. I'm ready for a change. I'm ready for it now. I realized while I was home with my family that I need to make a move. If I don't do it soon I won't do it ever.

I want to live in a cabin in the mountains. I want to write and be able to publish without fear. Is it so hard to ask for something like that? I'm ready to put myself out there. I'm ready for vulnerability I'm ready for anything and everything. I'm simply...just ready.

Huh?

Why is when you think you've got it, you lose it again? I don't get that. I know life is difficult and always changing, but I thought that I was getting a grip on things. Every time I turn around again, I find that something else is breaking me down further and further. I must have a renewed breaking point because it never seems to fully consume me. All I want to do is lay around and not do anything. I don't want to work, I have to force myself to get to the gym. I just want to do nothing. Sit in front of the TV and do nothing. I want to get lost in other's stories and pretend for a second that I'm not in this life.

I know, I should feel privileged for what I have. I am grateful everyday that I have what I have, but is it really selfish to want more? I don't want the world, just a little piece of something. A little piece of happiness that I can lock away and take out when the world seems too blue to deal with any longer. I could pull out that jar and unscrew the top and just bask in the glow of it's contents.

It's so confusing. Everything so confusing. My life feels like a continuous night. Even if the sun appears in the sky outside I cannot see it. I only see the moon. I'm starting to feel like that's all I want to see. Can I just sleep until things get better? Then I can awake and start all over again and hopefully I will figure out where it went wrong and then prevent that from happening again.

Adulthood is overrated, I wanna be a kid again

I feel like coming into adulthood was something I'd always wanted. You always want to be grown up when you're a kid. You want to drive and then you just want to be away from home. Now I know what my mother was talking about when she said that life goes by so fast. I still feel like I'm a kid, especially when I go home to see my parents. But I'm not a kid anymore, at least not by societies standards.

I want to go back to the simpler times. I remember when we lived on our farm, I would sit outside on the front porch and I would write. I would write down anything and everything I was thinking. Stories, poems, journal entries. And then I would look around and say that it wasn't going to get any better than this. I miss those times. I crave simplicity.

I no longer want to call myself an adult. I want to go back in time. I want to be back on that front porch with my sunset and my notebook and just breathe it all in one more time. I don't think that I will ever feel that kind of peace again. I think that it has come and gone. If I do experience it again, it won't be for a very long time. And when I do experience it again, I'll remember that porch and my sunset and I'll remember that this is what life should be like. I just want to go back. I want the simple life.

Life please stop with your lessons

Sitting at work, doing paper work and working on the computer. All the sudden darkness. I mean complete and total darkness. I couldn't see five inches in front of my face darkness. We had a power outage at work the other night and we were supposed to have a generator that kicks on, but it malfunctioned somehow. This left us in the dark (and cold) for 45 minutes. It was scary and frustrating, especially because no one could tell me what to do to fix it.

I swear, I'm constantly being tested as a supervisor. The good thing is, that I handle it well. I know how to direct people and take care of things in an emergency. Hopefully other people see that as well.

I'm enjoying my new job. I'm not used to the full time hours yet, but it's nice to have something to do (especially now that I'm graduated.) I officially graduated this past Saturday. I was really excited about that. It was a surreal moment walking across that stage. It was the one and only time I got to meet/see the president of Minnesota State University-Mankato. (Now that's saying something.) I also got to go to Red Lobster. My mom took the family out for dinner to celebrate. It was awesomely delicious.

Everyone at my job is asking me when I'm quitting there to start my career. I keep telling them that I'm not quitting there and that I'm sticking around for awhile. No one believes me either when I tell them that. I guess after I stay for awhile they'll stop asking me. With the economy the way it is, I'll take what I can get and I love this job, so I'll stick with it until I don't love it anymore.

Graduating, New Job, New Chapter

I graduate next Saturday with my bachelor's degree in Public Relations. I'm pretty excited. (I'm not excited that the ceremony is at 9 am.) My family will be here on Friday and staying through Sunday. I'm also excited that I just started my supervisor's job at the Harry Meyering Center. So far the job tasks added aren't too much, but I can see if I don't attend to them that they're going to pile up and then that's going to make it rough.

I didn't think that I would be saying with HMC after I graduated, but with the economy the way that it is, I can't really find anything in the field that I'm graduating in. Seriously, I looked. All the entry level positions are going to people that did have a job and then were let go. They get hired over me because they have the experience and they are willing to take the pay cut just so that they have a job.

I'm sticking with HMC for three reasons, number 1 it's a job and one that I love doing. Number 2, I love my co-workers, they are awesome to work with and finally number 3, I get health insurance. Isn't that sad? I'm excited that I'll have health insurance. Now I definitely feel like an adult. For now, I'm content and that's all I can really ask for. To me contentment is happiness, in a simpler form and I'll take simple any day of the week.

Vehicles are not my favorite

My car broke down last night. The left tie rod busted right off my car. It was the scariest thing. I pulled into the parking lot at my work place and all of the sudden I heard a loud pop. I got out of the car and saw clearly that something was busted off the left tire. Luckily I was able to slowly back it into a parking place in the lot so it wasn't sitting right in the middle. I had it towed this morning and apparently it's going to cost about $200 to fix it.

The problem is, I don't have $200. Good thing I just got a promotion at work. I was just hired as the Assistant Night Supervisor at my job. I am really excited and nervous about this at the same time. I hope that I am able to do a good job. Hopefully this means I'll be able to build a lasting career, but who knows, we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Anyway, I'm glad that it won't cost too much for my car, but I'm not being too optimistic till I pick it up tomorrow.

Yes...I love Twilight.

I am making the full hearted comfession here on this blog, I love Twilight. I went to the midnight release of Twilight last night and then again today (probably even tomorrow) and it was amazing. While it wasn't completely like the book (to be expected) it still held pretty true to what the book represented and was all about. If you haven't read the Twilight series, I highly recommend it. It's an amazing book series. I think it's just the way that Stephenie Meyer writes. She is an amazing writer and she hit on a crucial idea that I think a lot of teenage/adult women like....vampires and humans falling in love with them.

I am going to see Twilight tomorrow and probably half a dozen more times....it should come out on DVD soon..that would be amazing. I promise you my geekdom will now be hidden.